breaking the silence

I am a perfectionist.

There are good things about being a perfectionist: 1. I always win. If I am not good at something, I'll simply not do it, unless my life depended on it. 2. Most of the time, I can live under the sweet illusion that I have everything under control. Just the thought of it actually sends tingles down my back. 3. Confidence. I can carry myself with a strange sort of self-assurance when I know that I have been dealing with parts of my life in perfect precision.
Then there is the flip side: 1. Insomnia. I am obviously human and therefore obviously make mistakes. A lot. And when I do, a good night's sleep becomes a luxury. 2. I avoid things. When a part of my life spins out of control, I pretend it's not happening and stick my head in the ground. Or shut myself away from society. Incredibly healthy. 3. I am an internal flagellant. I constantly whip myself to be better than the day before. Who set the standard anyway?

So why am I talking about this? I suppose I could start a Perfectionist Anonymous club, but it really wouldn't fly because everyone would strive to perfectly escape being a perfectionist. Imagine: a whole group of people trying so hard to live the hippie lifestyle. Oh it kills me.
But I had realized something about myself. It's actually been perfectionism that kept me from posting things on the blog. If something isn't well written, it sure ain't going on the blog. If I'm struggling with something I do not wish to reveal about myself, I'm not blogging. Image means a lot to a perfectionist, I've learned. Privacy is a perfectionist's haven.

I've decided to break through my perfectionism. God's been slowly teaching me that He is God and I am not. And I am learning to be okay with it - not just in theory, but in life.