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What makes a person hold on?

This is the question I ask myself this morning, still tired from the trip back home and terrified of losing my way.

I just came out of a place of intense investment. I was going to use the analogy of an incubator, but that does not even come close. May be a boot camp would suffice. Or I don't know, disciples walking with Jesus before crucifixion. It was that good.

Now, it's crucifixion time. The real test.

One of the new friends I've made there - someone I respect very much - said that when her husband had asked her who she thinks is the one person from the workshop that will change the world, she said my name. I was incredibly flattered, thanked her and took the compliment on the outside, but was absolutely terrified inside. I was afraid that she was seeing something that wasn't there. Or may be she was seeing the results of the workshop - soon to be determined whether they are permanent or temporary. It is easy to be a good person when you are invested into and encouraged everyday.

I'm not afraid of "falling away from God" or "His path". The wide brushstrokes are easy to follow so long as I am committed. And I understand commitment.

What I am afraid of are the details. The pauses of the brushstrokes, the minute details of the painting. These details are what speak of character and build the foundations for the brushstrokes to take the most effect.

Will I be loving and wise with my parents? Will I be a servant? Will I use my time wisely? Will I choose to see myself as God sees me?

These are daily things. And I really believe that unless I can do the daily things - the minute details - there's no way that I could change the world. Impact society. Disciple the nations.

The conclusion I came to and something I keep telling myself is that I will be in a good place as long as I follow God. Surrender and obey. Surrender and obey. Repeat. Have grace for myself. Repeat.

Robot Camel Jockeys

A robot jockey is commonly used on camels in camel racing as a replacement for human jockeys. Developed beginning in 2004, the robotic jockeys are slowly phasing out the use of human jockeys, which, in the case of camel racing in Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, United Arab Emirates, and Qatar, often employs small children who reportedly suffer repeated systemic human rights abuses. In response to international condemnation of such abuses, the nation of Qatar and UAE has banned the use of human jockeys in favor of robots. Wikipedia®

Hahahaha

Notes from Justice Has a Face Workshop

This is an assignment for the Justice Has a Face Workshop that I'm attending right now in Burtigny, Switzerland. It's an attempt at summarizing my beliefs...enjoy!

I believe in absolute truth.
I believe in one God.
I believe that the one God is the absolute truth.
He created the universe and He created me.
He is bigger than His creation. Infinitely bigger. Bigger than me.
But sometimes I think I am bigger than He is.
This one God – the absolute truth, the creator of the universe, infinite and wise –
He loves me.
And His love is unconditional. It knows no boundaries.
He is love.

He also loves His creation.
We are all made in the image of God.
No matter who we are, each of us reflects something of God that is our own.
No one that ever existed is the same.
Each person is finite, but infinitely valuable.
I believe that
when I recognize
and fight for the recognition of God-given value in me and others,
I worship God.

He is also the Word.
The Word lives.
It breathes life! The words dance on the page with exuberance and brilliance!
Speaking His love
And containing His infinite mystery.
I first met God through the words.
It was love at first sight.
It is His written Word that brings me to see.
It is His written Word that teaches me to listen.
It is His written Word that commands me to speak.
Through His Words, God moves.
And So do I.



I don’t always live by absolute truth.
When I think I am bigger than Him, other voices become louder than His -
Including mine.
I become the judge.
I judge myself,
I judge others
and I judge God.
And man, do I suck at judging.

Growing up with God is tricky.
Sometimes, I think I would be perfectly content sucking on milk bottles all my life.
I say, “God, please take care of my crap”.
It all seems to depend on perspective.
The short-term me – all self and no wisdom-
Loves the world’s kingdom.
Show me the money!
I am holier than thou!
I am like a dog wolfing down chicken bones – focused on the meager flesh
And running towards death.
But my eyes open when I focus on God.
That is the long-term me.
And she loves God’s kingdom.
In this kingdom,
the most valuable thing, the hidden treasure in the field,
is God.
And milk bottles are no longer enough.

Living as a full grown bride of Christ
is not just candlelit dinners.
Yes, we do chew on steak sometimes
Drink some wine
Put on a tiara
Dance in a ballgown that seems too heavy to even walk in.
But if that is all there is to intimacy with God,
I would soon be too fat to fit through the pearly gates.
To me, Jesus is more like Rambo.
We fight together
Back to back
Armed to the teeth with servanthood and sacrifice.
Blood is spilt.

So what is His kingdom?
What are Jesus and I fighting for?
The kingdom of God belongs to the little ones.
The weak, the powerless, the poor, the orphans, the widows, the downtrodden,
The forgotten.
We fight for their value.
We fight for God’s glory.
And with each stroke of servanthood and each slash of sacrifice
For each tear that is spilt
I worship God.
He deserves it.

I believe in the power of discipline,
Of human choice.
I am not perfect, and thankfully, I am not God. I obviously make mistakes.
But there is one thing that holds me still -
Jesus loves me.
Because of this, I know I can always turn back.
I can face the consequences of my mistakes.
I can disregard any judgments from others or myself that do not align with God’s word
I have the armor of God.
His justice protects me
And His mercy gives me the freedom to choose
with hope
that I can someday truly believe with
All my heart,
Soul,
Strength,
And mind
That He is who He is.
Today, once again, I move forward.

breaking the silence

I am a perfectionist.

There are good things about being a perfectionist: 1. I always win. If I am not good at something, I'll simply not do it, unless my life depended on it. 2. Most of the time, I can live under the sweet illusion that I have everything under control. Just the thought of it actually sends tingles down my back. 3. Confidence. I can carry myself with a strange sort of self-assurance when I know that I have been dealing with parts of my life in perfect precision.
Then there is the flip side: 1. Insomnia. I am obviously human and therefore obviously make mistakes. A lot. And when I do, a good night's sleep becomes a luxury. 2. I avoid things. When a part of my life spins out of control, I pretend it's not happening and stick my head in the ground. Or shut myself away from society. Incredibly healthy. 3. I am an internal flagellant. I constantly whip myself to be better than the day before. Who set the standard anyway?

So why am I talking about this? I suppose I could start a Perfectionist Anonymous club, but it really wouldn't fly because everyone would strive to perfectly escape being a perfectionist. Imagine: a whole group of people trying so hard to live the hippie lifestyle. Oh it kills me.
But I had realized something about myself. It's actually been perfectionism that kept me from posting things on the blog. If something isn't well written, it sure ain't going on the blog. If I'm struggling with something I do not wish to reveal about myself, I'm not blogging. Image means a lot to a perfectionist, I've learned. Privacy is a perfectionist's haven.

I've decided to break through my perfectionism. God's been slowly teaching me that He is God and I am not. And I am learning to be okay with it - not just in theory, but in life.