Letting off some steam

I AM NOT A SPOILED BRAT.
I AM NOT AN IDIOT.
NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE SOCIAL.
AND HECK I DON'T WANT A BEER. REALLY.

Social pressures. They sometimes get to me.

Wherever I go, there seem to be expectations. Something you do or have to belong. To be normal. To be polite. Believe me, being raised in an Asian home, I could write a book on "polite". I have been extensively instructed since childhood in the joys of being just like everyone else. Not sticking out, therefore never offending people. Never endangering the group. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

But I am different. And it's not that I have offended someone here in Boston. No one's offended me either except for the dirty men with dirty comments and dirty eyes. Why do they do that anyway? It decreases their chances of getting any girl by 100 percent.

I am writing all this because I am a lone wolf. I like being the lone wolf. I am not normal, and don't have a desire to be normal, but feel the pressure to have the desire. Let me explain.

I sometimes feel like I am a lone wolf amidst a society of unicorns. These unicorns are sparkly, chipper and balanced. They adapt to community living easily. These are good unicorns. I see that being a unicorn is beneficial for myself and the society. It makes other unicorns feel safe.
But I am a wolf! I try to muster sparkles, but they fall short and look more like darts. I am not balanced - I am OBSESSIVE. I'm not negative, but notice and mention the shadows. As for the community thing, I never wanted to fit in.

Ah, that felt good. Let me say it again. I NEVER WANTED TO FIT IN. Well, maybe except during puberty years.

But the thing is, I've always felt like the absence of a desire to fit in and be one with the group was 1.prideful, 2.unhealty and 3.a denial. It must be. Who doesn't want to fit in?

I love the people in my life. And in order for me to be a good friend, daughter, sister, whatever to the people I care about, I have to make sacrifices, hone my maturity and build up character. But I should never have to change who I essentially am. I would rather spend a saturday night reading a good book than going to a big party. I am loud!! and always will be. I don't like sunday services. I don't need to be on a diet and you don't need to be on one either. I actually wear heels purely for myself and never for any sort of attention. I watch battlestar galactica and read ridiculous japanese comics. I mean, some of these, I could change - I do goto sunday service (really enjoyed the last one, actually) and wear flats occasionally - but deep relationships only come when I am honest with who I am, and am willing to accept others as who they are. Shallow relationships drain me (hence my insistence on more "personal" forms of communication).

Anyway, I feel like all this came from a long build up from my time here. Back in Salem, I never had to think about "groups". May be there were cliques or whatever but I never really cared. Everyone was somewhat on the same page - we all loved God, did similar work and had the "ywam dna". It was, for such a culturally and ethnically diverse community, a very uniform group of people and I never felt like I had to be someone different. Yes, I could even be liberal (which I don't think I am, but it's really comparative). I didn't have to be korean, american or whatever. In the "outside world," I had forgotten that you are a set of labels. People group off together. When I hang out with Americans, I know that I am being labeled a "twinkie" by many koreans/asians who walk by and when I hang out with koreans, I know that I am being labeled a FOB or as one of those asians who hang out with only asians. It bothers me, and it bothers me even more that it bothers me. And I have to be honest here - I have no idea how to have good times with non-christians. It's okay on a one-on-one basis - but most non-christian group interactions, I am reminded, involves heavy drinking, lots of small talk and interjections of profanity. Oh and casual sex. I don't do or enjoy any of those things.

Anyhow, I guess the conclusion is that I miss ywam. I really do. I have never felt so much at ease being a nomad and a third-culture kid. I was encouraged to not cram myself into a box. People loved, or learned to love that I was different.

I have made the resolve to do the same here. Whether the environment is hostile or not, I really don't want to care. I may feel lonely or uncomfortable at times, but I would feel even more lonely and uncomfortable once I'd started to compromise and lost myself in the process.

I have a nagging suspicion that many people feel the way I feel and that 90% of the unicorns are actually something else. I say, let unicorns be unicorns and wolves be wolves.

Broad Brush Strokes

I've always been one of those people that had no problem with hearing God's voice. From that day during DTS when we learned that God does, indeed, speak with us as He did with the people in the Bible, I've always taken it for granted that He would tell me what He would like me to do in all of the big and small decisions in my life.

He's not as opinionated anymore.

I mean, He still shares what He thinks I should do if I remember to ask (like right now, I think He would like for me to study and do my reading for Monday - and He's right) but remains infuriatingly silent on some of the main decisions in my life.

I've been praying quite intensely for a while about getting a job. Before heading out to Boston, I figured that it would look something like this: God- "Minju, get blahblahblah job", Me- "okay God, I will apply!", Recruiter- "we want you! come on board!". This scenario never really happened.

The other thing I've prayed about is scheduling classes. Yes, you can call me a baby, but this is how I've lived my life in the past 4 years. Come on, if God told me to do it, it must be foolproof! The little perfectionist in me capers with joy. But this time, He tells me I can do whatever I want.

At first, I wondered if there was something wrong with me. May be it's because I've come away from such a "spiritually saturated" environment. May be I have sin in my life. May be I never really heard Him and am actually crazy. May be my opinions are secretly very strong and therefore I'm deaf to Him. Ridiculous stuff. But here is what I've finally figured out.

Let's say that my life is like a very large canvas. Everyday I paint a little more. Any mistakes that I make can be re-shaped into something beautiful, but cannot be erased. Each brush stroke is permanent. Before DTS, I've made some terrible mistakes in my life - some that burgeoned into giant blots beyond my control. These distortions seemed too ugly to ever be redeemed, and they sure couldn't be erased. This is where God came in and showed me, step by step, how to fix the whole mess. He conferred with me on the tiniest little dot. He guided my hand through the faintest stroke of the brush. He taught me how to live my life again.

Now, I think my life is back on track. Reparations are over, and the blotches have transformed into a tapestry of images that speak of life, beauty and rebirth. Now, it's time to move forward with broad, bold brush strokes. The little details are left up to me. I've been taught how to fill in the blanks.

Classes start monday!

In a flurry of movement, I have decided to take my very first step towards earning my masters - starting this coming monday!

Since I am working and taking courses at the same time, I've decided to not risk my grades and to retain my sanity and space out my classes a bit (which the academic advisors told me vehemently to do). So I will be taking one this summer and two in the fall instead of the planned enrollment in three fall courses.

My harvard ID card will be issued tomorrow morning (I feel dorky and pretentious to be excited about it, but I am excited) and I will have access to not just wireless, but all the library systems, music practice rooms (free!) and, get this, FREE PRINTING. It just reminds me that yet again that the folks at Cornell were greedy poopfaces. I'm sure that we'd been charged for everything, including breathing.

Anyway, the course I am taking is a proseminar of 15 students, and is required for my degree. It's a course devoted to the history and effects of European colonization in Africa, so of course I am SUPER excited. I've always wondered if the aftermaths of the colonization times were like a ripple effect, and the problems in Africa that I've seen and heard of in recent times were only the outer edge of the deeper historical cause.

In preparation for next week's classes, I'm reading "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad and a book on this bastard called King Leopold II who apparently decimated 8-10 million people in the Congo territory. That's just about the number of people who live in Los Angeles County, twice the population of Norway and almost twice the number of Jews killed in the holocaust. What do you do to stitch up the wounds from a decimation of such a sickening magnitude?

May be the answer is widespread recognition of the tragedy and then an eventual restitution of apologies and forgiveness. But why don't students learn about this in world history class?

Well, that's enough ranting. Hopefully, I will learn more in-depth material and come up with the solution for world peace. Oh and end hunger on the side. If I have any spare time, I will figure out how to make cute, cheap and comfortable high heels.

Boston: Pros and Cons

Many things have happened in the past two weeks that I've been in Boston, and it's overwheming if not impossible to narrate what's been happening. So I've decided to put together a list of pros and cons of my Bostonian life as of yet.

Pros

1. God wants me here
2. I'll be instructed in a great program by incredible professors
3. Awesome public transportation
4. I have a long-term goal
5. My apartment is cheap and beautiful
6. My housemates are unbelievably nice and very uncreepy
7. Shopping galore!
8. It's something new and different
9. I'm close to my brother
10. I'm close to my friends from college
11. I own furniture for the first time in my life

Cons

1. I'm not with YWAM anymore
2. I miss my friends!
3. So far, I'm unemployed
4. I can count the people I personally know in this city with just one hand
5. My long-term goal is so big that my soul hyperventilates
6. Everything costs me twice as much as I'd planned
7. The 5 housemates I have so far in this 3-floor complex are all male
8. Firetrucks, police cars and ambulances all seem to love wailing their sirens in front of my house
9. Walking everywhere has made me want birkenstocks for the first time in my life

I have hope for my list of cons. Right outside my window, there is a fire escape - ugly in form and unsecure in nature - that I've hated since moving into the apartment. It was definitely one of the top things on my list of cons. But last night, in a flash of genius, the fire escape became my personal little patio and shoved itself onto my list of pros. It would obviously not work during the winter, but I'll get plenty of sun and planetarium time on that fire escape well before the first flake of snow.
So I have hope. Hopefully I will soon be employed, make deep friendships, get a really nice, clean and female housemate, gain some confidence as God proves to me that I can do this and even have a life-long relationship with Birkenstocks.

Lastly, here's a song that I've been listening to when times get tough.

Acres of Hope
Shane & Shane

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together

We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

“Lord, sustain me in the valley. Give me ears to hear Your sweet tender voice and lead me in to acres of hope in this dry and weary land.”
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. ‘In that day,’ declares the LORD,’you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master. (Hosea 2:14-16)
[ Acres Of Hope Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]