Commitment

Commitment.

This is my word of the week - or perhaps of this next season to come.
I sit and roll the word around in my mouth; weighing it carefully, admiring the way it sits on my tongue with such depth and intensity that it brings a feeling of excitement - no, perhaps anticipation - something that makes my heart thump loudly against my chest and yet carries with it a tinge of fear.

Earlier today I was sitting in a soccer mom van (hot, I know) at Portland airport, waiting to pick up some friends, and I decided to use the time to contemplate about this nagging feeling I've had for sometime that something has been missing in my relationship with God. I had compared myself to a bad girlfriend before when it comes to God and me - you know, not returning calls, talking about myself all the time, blaming Him for everything, does not listen, etc. etc. It has been more just for laughs than something that is all true all the time, but I realized today that one thing that has been missing is - you got it - commitment.

Why does that word bring such fear to my heart?

I think that many times I like to sit in this vacuum of grey religiosity, where I follow God on the outside, but am only half convinced and scared shitless on the inside. I follow God because it is the right thing to do, but do I really trust that it is the right thing to do? Do I really trust God?

Someone once said, "God is more interested in the work He does in you, than the work that you do." There is no grey area with God. Either I'm all in, or all out. If I am doing the work on the outside, but totally missing the point in my heart, I have lost it all.

Eternity is a hard concept for me sometimes, but the perspective of eternal life is the pivotal point of thinking when it comes to this issue. I believe that I am afraid of commitment because it means sacrifice. It means responsibility. I imagine myself as an investor, standing in front of God as my investment banker. He promises infinite returns in His Kingdom. As a matter of fact, He promises His whole Kingdom. I am hesitating because I am not looking at His Kingdom. I am looking at the here and now, the instant returns and gratifications, even if investing in that kingdom will only come to ruins. That is why I am afraid of commitment.

I committed myself today in that soccer mom van. I chose to trust Him and invest in the eternal. It is probably not an one time thing and I've only dealt with what I'm doing with my life in the next one year to come, but it was oddly liberating to commit. Commitment does not mean ball and chains after all.