Letting off some steam

I AM NOT A SPOILED BRAT.
I AM NOT AN IDIOT.
NO, I DON'T WANT TO BE SOCIAL.
AND HECK I DON'T WANT A BEER. REALLY.

Social pressures. They sometimes get to me.

Wherever I go, there seem to be expectations. Something you do or have to belong. To be normal. To be polite. Believe me, being raised in an Asian home, I could write a book on "polite". I have been extensively instructed since childhood in the joys of being just like everyone else. Not sticking out, therefore never offending people. Never endangering the group. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

But I am different. And it's not that I have offended someone here in Boston. No one's offended me either except for the dirty men with dirty comments and dirty eyes. Why do they do that anyway? It decreases their chances of getting any girl by 100 percent.

I am writing all this because I am a lone wolf. I like being the lone wolf. I am not normal, and don't have a desire to be normal, but feel the pressure to have the desire. Let me explain.

I sometimes feel like I am a lone wolf amidst a society of unicorns. These unicorns are sparkly, chipper and balanced. They adapt to community living easily. These are good unicorns. I see that being a unicorn is beneficial for myself and the society. It makes other unicorns feel safe.
But I am a wolf! I try to muster sparkles, but they fall short and look more like darts. I am not balanced - I am OBSESSIVE. I'm not negative, but notice and mention the shadows. As for the community thing, I never wanted to fit in.

Ah, that felt good. Let me say it again. I NEVER WANTED TO FIT IN. Well, maybe except during puberty years.

But the thing is, I've always felt like the absence of a desire to fit in and be one with the group was 1.prideful, 2.unhealty and 3.a denial. It must be. Who doesn't want to fit in?

I love the people in my life. And in order for me to be a good friend, daughter, sister, whatever to the people I care about, I have to make sacrifices, hone my maturity and build up character. But I should never have to change who I essentially am. I would rather spend a saturday night reading a good book than going to a big party. I am loud!! and always will be. I don't like sunday services. I don't need to be on a diet and you don't need to be on one either. I actually wear heels purely for myself and never for any sort of attention. I watch battlestar galactica and read ridiculous japanese comics. I mean, some of these, I could change - I do goto sunday service (really enjoyed the last one, actually) and wear flats occasionally - but deep relationships only come when I am honest with who I am, and am willing to accept others as who they are. Shallow relationships drain me (hence my insistence on more "personal" forms of communication).

Anyway, I feel like all this came from a long build up from my time here. Back in Salem, I never had to think about "groups". May be there were cliques or whatever but I never really cared. Everyone was somewhat on the same page - we all loved God, did similar work and had the "ywam dna". It was, for such a culturally and ethnically diverse community, a very uniform group of people and I never felt like I had to be someone different. Yes, I could even be liberal (which I don't think I am, but it's really comparative). I didn't have to be korean, american or whatever. In the "outside world," I had forgotten that you are a set of labels. People group off together. When I hang out with Americans, I know that I am being labeled a "twinkie" by many koreans/asians who walk by and when I hang out with koreans, I know that I am being labeled a FOB or as one of those asians who hang out with only asians. It bothers me, and it bothers me even more that it bothers me. And I have to be honest here - I have no idea how to have good times with non-christians. It's okay on a one-on-one basis - but most non-christian group interactions, I am reminded, involves heavy drinking, lots of small talk and interjections of profanity. Oh and casual sex. I don't do or enjoy any of those things.

Anyhow, I guess the conclusion is that I miss ywam. I really do. I have never felt so much at ease being a nomad and a third-culture kid. I was encouraged to not cram myself into a box. People loved, or learned to love that I was different.

I have made the resolve to do the same here. Whether the environment is hostile or not, I really don't want to care. I may feel lonely or uncomfortable at times, but I would feel even more lonely and uncomfortable once I'd started to compromise and lost myself in the process.

I have a nagging suspicion that many people feel the way I feel and that 90% of the unicorns are actually something else. I say, let unicorns be unicorns and wolves be wolves.